Ouch! Column Rips OSU--Wisconsin Tilt

http://cbs.sportsline.com/columns/story/10021803/1

In defense of Brian Butch (described in the column as "cryin' Brian Butch"), I have often seen similar crying jags -------- for example when I was watching 3rd grade girls house league this year............................ Generally the girls in 7th grade traveling ball tend to be a little too tough to weep so openly after being injured.........

Cartoon

The Past of the 2007 Oscar-Nominated Actresses

Per mrskin.com:
2007 Best Actress Academy Award Nominees

Penélope Cruz in Volver -- Nude in Jamón, jamón (1992)

Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal -- Nude in A Midsummer Night’s Dream (1968)

Helen Mirren in The Queen -- Nude in Savage Messiah (1972)

Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada -- Nude in Silkwood (1983)

Kate Winslet in Little Children -- Nude in Holy Smoke! (1999)

Dow in Free Fall

The Rout is on -- Down down 300+, at times more than 500 points. http://money.cnn.com/data/markets/

What Do You Do With Andrew Bogut?

http://aol.nba.com/playerfile/andrew_bogut/. When you watch Bogut play the first thing that strikes you is how small he looks. He was referred to throughout college as 7'1" -- http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4155/is_20050627/ai_n14775508. nbadraft.net lists his height at the time of the draft as 7'0". http://www.nbadraft.net/2005.asp. If you see him stand next to a truly tall player (Garnett, Kandi) it is apparent that the 7'0" designation may be "with shoes on." Flat footed he is probably 6'10" and a little.

That said, the real questions the Bucks face are: 1) Is Bogut someone you should pay big bucks? and 2) Does he have a significant upside? Like him or not, he is over 6'10" and he can catch the basketball. He has the 21st most double-doubles in the league (as an example, he has 13, Mark Blount has 6). Among true centers (Boris Diaw is not a center in my book) his assist-turnover ratio is #3 in the entire league (he is ahead of Tim Duncan). He shoots a high percentage from the floor.

So, why isn't Andrew Bogut universally loved and showered with cash?? Well, he attempts less than 3 free throws a game, and makes only 57% of them. He is blocking 0.54 shots a game, which would not place him #1 at any NBA position (Shaun Livingston leads point guards at a number higher than Bogut's). Bogut commits a remarkable 6 fouls per every blocked shot ---------------------(I have to note that 6'8" players Carlos Boozer and Al Harrington average one block per 11 fouls...my lord, the term "defensive pylon" comes to mind....).

So what do you do with Bogut? His stats are similar to Mehmet Okur (who has a huge contract) and he is certainly a better overall player than, say, Mark Blount (huge deal).

Will he get any better? Can he block, say, .9 shots a game? (Hardly a lofty goal -- Bill Laimbeer did not block less than .7 shots a game in any season until he was over 33 years old). Can Bogut shoot 70% from the line and get to the line for 6 shots a game? In the Final Analysis, I guess you have to keep him and pay him, but it might be hard to sleep the night you sign the deal.

Shaun Livingston -- Dislocated Kneecap

http://broadband.nba.com/cc/playa.php?content=video&url=http://boss.streamos.com/wmedia/nba/nbacom/news/livingston_injury_070226.asx&rss=true&siteid=rss

Not for the faint of heart.

James Cameron Finds Jesus -- Literally!

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/scholars-clergy-criticize-jesus/20070226101109990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001. Perhaps stung by Hoop Ramblings' claim late last night that he has done nothing much since "Titanic," James Cameron is all over the place today declaring that he has found the bones of Jesus, Mary Magdelene and Jesus's son!!

I'd say that this effort ranks up there higher than "Solaris" on Cameron's post-97 activities...........

I always enjoy the terror that these sort of claims strike within the church. Summary of the positions taken by "religious scholars" or church spokesman in the linked article alone: 1) it doesn't say "Jesus", it probably says some other name; 2) it does say Jesus, but that was a pretty common name; 3) we've known about this for years (which, I guess, means it isn't true); 4) the Bible says he ascended up to heaven, so these couldn't be his bones; 5) it is all a lie to confuse people and make money (side note -- WE are the ones with the right to confuse people and make money! So stop it!).

When someone comes out 45 years from now and says that this Blog never won a Pulitzer prize, I hope that my successor's PR machine can keep such heresy from being accepted as fact.

HM

Antonella Barba -- American Idol Semi-Finalist

R-rated and (possibly not her) X-rated photos are abundant of this young lass. http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/11047890.html. But I have to say, if even these 13 next pics I am posting are real, I may have to start voting for her....................http://www.antonellabarbapix.com/index.html...........oh wait, she is a Tarheel fan!!!!!!! Kick her off the show.

Oscars

The Departed makes its way through to win Best Picture and Best Director (tying Martin Scorcese with the 3-6 Mafia for "most Oscars won" -- how does Ellen miss that joke??).

Hudson, Mirren, Whitaker, all straight chalk for Supporting Actress, Actress and Actor.

Alan Arkin (whom I thought was actually dead -- Sorry AA) won, I think, because the Academy just could not forgive Eddie Murphy for his awful track record of movies. I mean, let's throw out Murphy's voice work and other work in children's films and "Dreamgirls." Here is what we have since 1996: The Haunted Mansion (2003)
I Spy (2002)
Showtime (2002)
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000)
Bowfinger (1999)
Life (1999)
Holy Man (1998)
Metro (1997)

The good news for Eddie is that the Academy generally rewards even outsiders who can do two or three good ones in a row. Case study: Cher -- excellent in Silkwood, Mask and Suspect; cleared the way for her win in "Moonstruck" (a horribly overrated film).

Is there a "Titanic" curse? Titanic was released in 1997. James Cameron?? His resume highlight post -1997 may be that he produced "Solaris." DiCaprio -- can't win the Oscar. Kate Winslet -- can't win, nominated 5 times, 0 wins. Is this merely coincidence or do people really begrudge "Titanic" its success?

Note to Jessica Biel -- OK, I get it, you work out. I'd say you look hot, but I am scared that you will kick my ass. Gear the workouts back just 5% pre-Oscar.......

Al Sharpton & Strom Thurmond

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/slavery-ties-sharpton-to-thurmond/20070225140509990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001 Um, insert your own punchline.

Wow. For whatever reason it reminds me of when Peter Griffin on "Family Guy" determined he was part black. Can we determine that Strom and Al are definitely not related?

Whitlock -- Column on the "Black KKK"

http://sports.aol.com/whitlock/_a/time-to-stop-looking-past-black-kkk/20070222104609990001. I am not sure what has happened to Jason Whitlock since moving to AOL, but if his last two columns are any indication, he is really going hard after the hip-hop thug culture.

I received a magazine from an expensive institution of higher learning a few months ago. It contained an article by a professor. The article, I think, had to be a joke. I mean, it discusses how, whereas the 1960s black churches had been the center of black society, the center of black culture in 2006 is/was the strip club. http://www.dukemagazine.duke.edu/dukemag/issues/070806/hiphop1.html

I still have the feeling I was Punk'd by the article and hope it was written just to see if old idiots like me would bite, but I get this awful thought sometimes that it is real. Are PacMan Jones and Stephen Jackson really the new Martin Luther King or Malcolm X? I mean, go into strip clubs, invite trouble, end up in jail. Is that really what has happened in the past 40-45 years? For the center of their culture a set of people has gone from a) MLK's preaching in a suit to well-dressed people of all ages and both genders to b) guys packing heat, drinking Cristal and paying for lap dances? I still think the article was a hoax, so I am not going to waste my time on it any more. But I'd certainly be willing to hear Whitlock's thoughts on it.

Dennis Johnson -- Dead at 52

"There's a steal by Bird, pass to DJ......."

Per wikipedia -- On February 22, 2007, Johnson suffered a heart attack while playing a pick-up game during a practice and collapsed. He was later pronounced dead. Celtics executive director of basketball operations Danny Ainge confirmed Johnson's passing.

HM note -- a very, very good player and a key cog on championship teams in Seattle and Boston. Was brought in by Boston to defend Magic Johnson. One could certainly argue that he deserves Hall of Fame consideration given his teams' success and stats nearly identical to those of HOFer Joe Dumars: http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=johnsde01%3ADennis+Johnson&y1=&C=dumarjo01%3AJoe+Dumars&y2=&s=r&t=g&submit=Compare.

Perhaps the best tribute to Dennis Johnson is this: in the 1978 Finals, Game 7, he went 0 for 14, basically single-handedly costing his team the NBA championship as they lost by 6 at home to the Bullets. We have all seen what a collapse on a huge stage can do to a player's career (Nick Anderson, Calvin Schiraldi, the Arizona reliever Kim, John Starks). Guys who fail at such key moments rarely get redemption and generally get far worse. Not DJ. His Sonics won the title the next year and he was all-NBA second team in 1980 and all-NBA first team in 1981. And then he went on to win two more titles with the Celtics.

RIP DJ..........

Beautification Project

While concentrating on sports headlines (I even missed American Idol this week) I also just realized that I haven't had a decent picture in a while to help out my 98% male audience. Sorry, my bad. You can vote "girl on top" or "girl on bottom" in the comments section if you like.

ESPN -- Mike James to Houston for......Nothing?

The Wolves, conceding now that signing James was a mistake after drafting Randy Foye, are working hard to move him before the deadline -- with the Houston Rockets emerging Wednesday as a plausible destination.
James played on Detroit's 2004 championship team and the Pistons have interest in reacquiring him. The latest signals, however, suggest that the Pistons won't be making a deadline deal.
Houston has also previously employed James and still likes him, according to club insiders, despite James' decision to spurn the Rockets in free agency last summer when Minnesota agreed to include an 8 percent trade kicker in his four-year contract.
To trade for James now almost certainly would affect the Rockets' future spending and probably would force them to part with the virtually expiring contract of injured guard Bob Sura, who can be bought out next season for $1 million. But I get the feeling they're going to go for it.

With James scheduled to make $6MM after a trade (he has a trade kicker) the Rockets could send Sura (due $3.8MM this year) but they'd need to toss in enough other salary to reach a total of between $5.1MM and $6.9MM going the Wolves' way. Guys who Houston has making between $1.3MM and $3.1MM??? http://www.hoopshype.com/salaries/houston.htm

ESPN -- Bibby to Cavs?

Bibby going to Cleveland, however, remains a possibility. The Cavs lack the trade assets to complete a trade for Bibby, but one scenario in circulation Tuesday had Minnesota joining in on a three-team deal that would potentially send Mike James, among others, to Sacramento as Bibby's successor at the point.
The Wolves, according to NBA front-office sources, have committed to trying to move James before the deadline after he lasted just a half-season as the No. 1 point guard in Minnesota before ceding his starting spot to rookie Randy Foye.

Whitlock -- Vegas Like A Maximum Security Prion During All-Star Weekend

http://sports.aol.com/whitlock/_a/mayhem-main-event-at-nba-all-star/20070220103009990001.

The Sports Guy reports similar feelings in his column (stating that he feared for his safety while walking The Strip).

In short -- game is not going back to Vegas.

Scottie Pippen to Return????

Pippen (age 41) is lobbying NBA clubs to let him return and help them out during the stretch drive. Ordinarily with Hall of Fame players (and like it or not, Scottie will be in the Hall) I would not want them to tarnish their legacy by hanging on for too long, but I have no such concerns with Scottie.

Point One -- Pippen was never really a "lead dog" star over an extended period of time. In short, he was Jordan's caddie.

A. Compare Pippen's career with that of the generally-disappointing Penny Hardaway: http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=pippesc01%3AScottie+Pippen&y1=&C=hardaan01%3AAnfernee+Hardaway&y2=&s=r&t=g&submit=Compare. Penny is not much worse in any category.

B. Compare Pippen's career stats to Grant Hill's -- http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=pippesc01%3AScottie+Pippen&y1=&C=hillgr01%3AGrant+Hill&y2=&s=r&t=g&submit=Compare. Except for "steals + blocks", Grant has better per game numbers across the board.

C. In his very best ever year (age 28), Scottie Pippen was not as good as Grant Hill at his best: http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=pippesc01%3AScottie+Pippen&y1=1994&C=hillgr01%3AGrant+Hill&y2=1997&s=r&t=g&submit=Compare


Point Two -- Unlike Michael Jordan, Pippen Was Creaky and Washed-up When He Quit

A. Compare Pippen at 38 with Penny Hardaway's 4 games for the Knicks played at age 34: http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=pippesc01%3AScottie+Pippen&y1=2004&C=hardaan01%3AAnfernee+Hardaway&y2=2006&s=r&t=g&submit=Compare. Almost identical.

B. Numerous Other Facts Support this Assesment:

1. "Creaky" -- In his last 7 NBA seasons, Pippen played a full slate of games 2 times, and one of those was the strike year of 1999 when the league only played 50 games.

2. "Washed Up" -- Pippen did not average 15 points a game after 1998.

3. "Washed Up" -- Pippen was not on any all-defense team after his 2nd-team finish in 2000.

4. "Washed Up" Despite a career FG % of .470, after 1997 he never shot better than 45% or ever shot 35% from 3. (His career free throw shooting mark was never good -- .704).

5. "Scotty Is No Michael" -- Now, Pippen says, "Well Michael did it." So what?

a. The last year that Michael played as a Bull he was 34 and averaged 28 ppg. When Pippen was 34 he averaged 12.5 ppg: http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=pippesc01%3AScottie+Pippen&y1=2000&C=jordami01%3AMichael+Jordan&y2=1998&s=r&t=g&submit=Compare. When Jordan was 38 he got 22.9 PPG, Pippen at 38? A little over 5PPG: http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=pippesc01%3AScottie+Pippen&y1=2000&C=jordami01%3AMichael+Jordan&y2=1998&s=r&t=g&submit=Compare

b. So, let's assume that from age 34 to 38 Jordan lost 20% of his game. If Pippen has lost only 20% of his game going from age 38 to age 41, he will now get you 5 points, 2.5 rebounds and 1.6 assists a game.

What team headed for the playoffs wants a defensive specialist who is 41 years old and will get you 5/3/2 in about 12 minutes of play? I would think the clear answer would be "no one" but hey.........PR gimmicks are PR gimmicks............

The Strange Case of Ken Griffey, Jr.

George Kenneth Griffey, Jr. is viewed by most today as a player who is past his prime and who is always hurt (recently broke his hand wrestling with his kid). He has been viewed that way since 2001......

But take a long look at Junior's career stats, and the fact that he is 37 years old. Then try to project the impact of 4 more good years at the plate for Griffey:

With just 4 good solid years free of injury, Griffey could easily put up 120 more home runs and 400 more RBIs before his career is done, plus 40 more intentional walks. If Junior has four good to very good years, Junior will end his career at 683 homers (behind only Bonds, Aaron and Ruth), 2008 RBIs (behind only Aaron, Ruth and Cap Anson) and 256 intentional walks (behind Bonds, Aaron and McCovey). Junior has 10 career gold gloves, behind only Roberto Clemente (12) and Willie Mays (11).

So, strangely, the next 4 years are make or break for Griffey's legacy. http://www.baseball-reference.com/friv/scomp.cgi?I=griffke02:Ken+Griffey&st=age&compage=36&age=36. At age 36, Mickey Mantle, Eddie Matthews and Sammy Sosa were finished. Frank Robinson and Reggie Jackson had 100 HRs left in them, as did Mays. Bonds, as we all know, has put up 150 home runs since age 36, leaving many believing him to be (not deducting for steroid use) either the greatest player of all time or a top 10 guy.

To my knowledge, no one as great as Griifey has ever gone through a dead spot in his career to the extent that Griffey has. The man was an all-star 11 straight years, but has been an all-star but once in the past 6. I have almost been a big fan, so I hope he turns it around and has 4 more very good years. If not, he may never get his due as a top 10 or top 20 all-time player.

Chargers Hire "Same Old White Guy"

http://sports.aol.com/nfl/story/_a/chargers-hire-turner-as-head-coach/20070219143909990001?cid=1690. Norv Turner!?!? 52-83 as a head coach? That Norv Turner? While Mike Tomlin's firing in Pittsburgh may be the zenith for the "Rooney Rule" which encourages hiring minority coaches, this has to be the nadir.

Not since Bob Weiss's recent ill-fated hiring by the Sonics have I looked at a head coaching hire with such utter shock and dismay. Was Rich Kotite unavailable? Couldn't pry Dick Jauron away from the Bills?
Good god.

Well, at least this will put to test the old "immovable object/irresistable force" question: 14-2 NFL team with the best young talent in the league given a terrible head coach to lead them. Which will win out?

Jason Kidd -- Psycho

In pleadings that should have been drafted by Nicole Brown Simpson's lawyers circa 1991, Joumana Kidd describes Jason's constant marital infidelities and his domestic violence. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0216073kidd1.html

My favorite parts?
Bronze medal -- when he throws a football-sized rock at her, lays down for a nap and then later crawls out the bathroom window.

Silver medal -- the stuff that is on Kidd's pre-paid cell phone (plus the fact that he has a pre-paid cell phone)

Gold Meal -- Kidd's brief conversion in 2004 to being a born-again Christian and his apology to Joumana where he says, "And the list of chicks I have banged or am banging includes the following: her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her." This is followed by a call to his L.A. wench to say, "I am telling my wife all about you." Gist of her reply, "Are you admitting that you fathered my kid, too?"

Verdict -- Not QUITE up to the disclosure level of the Starr Report (I can still recall my peal of laughter when I read Clinton's line, "It tastes good!") and it doesn't really feature anything like the Mrs. Michael Strahan "I also think my hubby might be gay" disclosures, but I would say:

85 out of 100.

Tom Brady -- Baby Daddy

http://nfl.aolsportsblog.com/2007/02/18/bridget-moynihan-expecting-tom-brady-is-the-father/.

Well, start the Tom Brady Watch for illegitimate kids. Current status (assuming all goes well for Bridget): 33% of the way to Steve Garvey and 14% of the way to Shawn Kemp.

Barkley Defeats Dick Bavetta

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VXabqElO2A. Here is the footage. Charles, probably going about 310 now, easily defeats the 67 year old referee. Charles fortunately did not have to resort to the Michael Johnson match race ploy of grabbing his leg and claiming injury when he fell behind. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Johnson_%28athlete%29

Charles' coach John Carlos calls Charles "The Black Rhino"!?!? Um, OK. Charles is a great entertainer, no doubt.

NBA All-Star Game

http://aol.nba.com/allstar2007/allstar_game/index.html. An effort that can only be described as "half-hearted." The West was just red hot and the East really had no ability to step up their defensive effort to the point where they could stop the West. Ultimately the difference may have been that Melo, Kobe, McGrady and Ray Allen were 100% healthy and concentrating on the game while LeBron, Wade and Shaq were not..............................One thing I have to note: it is so much fun to watch LeBron James hit cutters with passes -- if Rick Adelman were LeBron's coach he could average 8-10 assists a game...............................Kapono wins the 3-point shoot out, Gerald Green wins the dunk contest (although I have to say that Dwight Howard dunking with his right hand while almost touching the top of the backboard with his left hand is awfully impressive)........................Christina Aguilera -- would it kill her to actually sing the MAIN lyrics of her songs? I mean, huge voice, huge fake rack, tiny girl. But she just wants to wail meaningless blurbs out while her backup singers sing the song -- "Oooh, Yeah!" "Whooooooooooooooooooooooooaaauh". She is the P. Diddy of regular music!

Basketball Hall of Fame Finalists

My votes are to the right.

Phil Jackson -- yes, in
Chris Mullin -- close but no -- had 8 very good years
Dick Vitale -- no
Adrian Dantley -- yes
Richie Guerin -- no

Roy Williams -- no
Eddie Sutton -- no
Bob Hurley Sr. -- no
Owner Bill Davidson -- no

The 1966 Texas Western NCAA championship team -- ????? who is going to go on record as voting against this bogus entry? David Duke? I mean, they were a historic team for one year, but I really don't know....

Referee Mendy Rudolph -- yes
Yugoslavian coach Mirko Novosel, Spanish coach Pedro Ferrandiz and former U.S. women's basketball coaches Van Chancellor and Harley Redin -- all no

A 24-person committee will vote on the final selection, with the potential enshrinees needing 18 votes to enter the Hall of Fame. The 2007 class will be announced April 2 at the Final Four in Atlanta, with the induction ceremonies in Springfield, Mass., on Sept. 7.

Dantley HAS to get in this year. With Mullin as his only real competition, Dantley's overall stats are far, far better: http://www.basketball-reference.com/labs/comp.cgi?I=mullich01%3AChris+Mullin&C=dantlad01%3AAdrian+Dantley&s=r&t=g&submit=Compar. Dantley had 7 years in Utah where he averaged about 30 points, 6 boards and 3.6 assists a game!

In a world where Roger Wehrli is now a HOF player, Dantley's omission becomes more and more glaring every year.

Baby Saved By Viagra

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/viagra-saves-premature-babys-life/20070216103209990002?ncid=NWS00010000000001. On the negative side: 1) his diaper really chafed him; and 2) Larry King has asked him whether he may be the father of Anna Nicole's child.

Tim Hardaway Fired By "NFL Star" Jay Fiedler

No truth to these rumors: 1) that Hardaway muttered as he packed his stuff, "Damn Jew football players anyway -- I hate them too! "NFL star," my ass..." and 2) Sam Cassell and Isiah Thomas have asked to be removed from Tim's web page at basketball-reference.com because it lists them as "similar" to Tim.

The story:
MLN Newswire - www.mlntherawfeed.com - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - February 15, 2007 – After learning of the remarks made by Tim Hardaway in a radio interview discussing Gays in the NBA, Trinity Sports and Entertainment Group, owners of the CBA Indiana Alleycats professional basketball franchise, spoke out today in reaction to Mr. Hardaway’s statements.
“First and foremost, there is not a single person in our organization who supports or shares Mr. Hardaway’s views,” stated Demetrius Ford, Trinity CEO. “I speak for the entire organization when I say we are truly sorry for the harm caused to anyone by Mr. Hardaway’s words. Effective immediately, Mr. Hardaway is removed from the position of Trinity Sports’ Chief Basketball Operations Advisor, as well as all other duties associated with the Company, its affiliates and subsidiaries.”

Trinity majority owner and NFL star Jay Fiedler added, “I was very surprised to learn of Tim’s insensitive remarks last night. The opinions, views and remarks expressed by Mr. Hardaway in no way reflect my views or those of anyone else in our organization, and we want to make that clear to our corporate partners, the CBA and all the fans of the Indiana Alleycats. Mr. Hardaway was instrumental in the startup phase of our basketball operations, but we must now move forward without his services or any association with him whatsoever.”

Public Service for My Middle-Aged Readers

http://www.lasercomb.net/default.aspx. The only non-drug product that the FDA has approved as a hair restoration device.

Days of Yore

I was just reminded that 15 years ago I was in Springfield, Missouri as best man at a wedding. (They are broken up long ago -- she got the kids and every dime he ever made, but that is another story for another day.) Hit on some hot-looking bridesmaids for a while until they said they were 13 and 15. Then moved quickly on.

ANYWAY, a man (who is now a fellow blogger) and I left the wedding reception to go decorate the wedding couple's car and to attempt to procure (at the bride's request) "Handcuffs, strawberry body lotion or body butter." Alas, these items were not found at Springfield area convenience stores in 1992. But we were able to decorate the 1970s muscle car owned by the groom.

So, we get back to the wedding reception and it is over and everyone is walking out. The bride and groom walk out and go to another car!!!!!!!! Disaster. Our third alleged "friend" who had been driving us around ditches the blogger and me and we have no transportation except...................................the decorated car.....................oh, no.

Being honked at as we drive along (one side was marked "bride" and one side marked "groom")we hit Applebee's for dinner and then turned for entertainment (purely for purposes of legal curiosity) to Club Mercedes: http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=mo&vol=/supreme/061999/&invol=50629_99. We parked the muscle car way in back behind the dumpster and slunk to the front door under cover of darkness. The 6'8" 340 pound bouncer frisked us for weapons and we then sat as the DJ welcomed "Cheyenne" and "Sunshine" to the main stage. "Put your hands together........make some noise......" he said it at the beginning and the end of every song. We eventually left and bought some 40 ouncers, tried to get into a BYOB place (it closed in 20 minutes and the cover was $8 each), then went back to the groom's mom's place and drank 40 ouncers watching ESPN.

I welcome any additional memories from my partner in idiocy that day during the George H.W. Bush Administration.......

Step One -- Lie and Say You Apologize

Per an ESPN REPORT, Tim ("Gayness takes my") Hardaway has lost his job with the NBA and has apologized:

Hardaway, later saying he regretted the remarks, apologized for the remarks during a telephone interview with Fox affiliate WSVN-TV in Miami.
"Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that," he said. "That was my mistake."

Rather Ted Haggardian of him. So, step 1 -- apologize though you really said/did the offensive thing and really meant to say/do it. That step is complete.

Now we just have to have Timmy go through Step 2 -- Blame a trusted adult who betrayed him as a youth; and then Step 3, go to rehab for some sort of addiction.

American Idol -- Final 24

http://www.americanidol.com/contestants/season6/. Is there really any way that Chris Sligh doesn't win? Scott Savol reached the top 5!!!!!!!!!!! And he couldn't sing AT ALL. You take Savol's audience (chunky girls/ladies who imagine that they might have a chance) and delete Savol's tone-deafness and his domestic assault issues and lack of any sense of humor, and you have a sure-fire top 3 performer. Unless a hot, hot female actually can sing, they should probably just cancel the rest of the contest. Savol, unbelievably, still has fans: http://www.scotttsavol.com/main.htm

Tim Hardaway -- Please Be More Direct!

I heard the interview clip driving home last night -- description below from wikipedia --

On February 14, 2007 during a radio interview in Miami, Hardaway admitted to hating gay people. On the 790 the Ticket radio show, Hardaway was questioned by host Dan Le Batard on how he would deal with a gay teammate. Hardaway responded, "First of all I wouldn’t want him on my team. Second of all, if he was on my team I would really distance myself from him because I don’t think that’s right and I don’t think he should be in the locker room when we’re in the locker room." Le Batard identified Hardaway's comments as homophobic and bigoted, to which Hardaway responded, "Well, you know, I hate gay people. I let it be known I don’t like gay people. I don’t like to be around gay people. I’m homophobic. It shouldn’t be in the world, in the United States, I don’t like it."
Le Batard and Hardaway were discussing retired English basketball player, John Amaechi, who recently announced that he is homosexual.

Replace the word "gay" with "black" and you have the opinion of 95% of major league baseball players in 1945. Having now solidified his base, Tim is on his way to the GOP nomination for a major office in 2008. When asked if he agreed with Tim Hardaway, Dick Cheney replied, "Of course not. I don't have to run for office again!"

Seriously though, political pollsters have identified a trend in black clergymen and southern blacks starting to shift more toward the GOP because they strongly identify with the "I hate gays" rhetoric of those like Hardaway and Pat Roberston and Ralph Reed and Jerry Falwell.

I will give Hardaway some credit for being honest........until tomorrow when he apologizes and says he didn't mean it and then tries to figure out what addiction will require him to go to rehab................

Valentine's Day Tales

Oh, what a wonderful day. Similar to prom night for adults.

SNL once warned fathers in a skit (perhaps Garrett Morris was the host?) that "every girl can get some on prom night -- ugly girls, fat girls, everybody." The fact is that no one wants to be alone on Valentine's Day. That sucks. Being alone of Valentine's Day is basically a reminder of how unwanted and unattractive you are. So, if you have a 2% chance of a date with someone, ask before V Day and your chances are more like 35% (immediately dwindling back to 4% the day after).

HM's good stories (PAR likes the bad ones, but hey, first things first...): 1) took a girlfriend to dinner and she wore a nice blue dress (it was not Monica Lewinsky -- dress was clean), came back to her place and, with no pre-warning of any kind, she stood in the middle of her floor and slid the dress right off her body in one quick motion to reveal only black stockings and garters underneath, she followed that up with a breathy "Happy Valentine's Day." 2) Had dinner cooked for me on a Tuesday, but had an 8 a.m. meeting the next morning. This was about a 4th date -- the woman at 10 p.m. went over and locked the apartment door, looked at me and said, "YOU are NOT going anywhere." Um, OK. 3) Visited my gf and found her dressed up as a librarian (hair in a bun, reading glasses, the whole deal) reading a book; she even pretended to not know who I was. Again, what a great holiday!!!

Bad Valentine's Days --- I am sure that there have been many. One girl refused a 3rd date in late January because "that is way too close to valentine's day and I really don't want to go there with you." Um, ouch. 1983 -- swing and a miss; 1984 -- struck out looking; 1985 -- asked out by a woman whose facebook ratings (face/body/doability) were probably 4/2/4 out of a possible 10/10/10. Now, I pride myself on being a nice fella, but I just couldn't accept. I went to an Albany Patroons CBA game instead, by myself.

Happy Valentine's Day! And for you guys who are gonna successfully propose today -- invite me to the wedding, my wife has been without a wedding to criticize for far too long!

HM's 2007 Rating of NBA Coaches -- Part 3

The best:

5. Avery Johnson -- Plus 7 -- The guy I call "Soap" (ivory soap, Avery Soap) was an upgrade for the Mavs over the successful Don Nelson. Soap coaches defense, puts the hammer down on lack of effort, and has actually improved the team despite the loss of league MVP Steve Nash. Nuf said.

4. Jerry Sloan -- Plus 8 -- Always ranks high on my list. What we have seen is that Sloan does FAR better when he has an NBA quality point guard to rely upon. Even Sloan could not win with Arroyo/McLeod at the helm..........Sloan has now put together a roster full of guys who will give great effort. Watch out for the Jazz. He is a HOF coach. That is all you need to know.

3. Pat Riley -- Plus 8.5 -- I cannot condone the whole "Shaq is hurt? Hmmm, time for me to take a leave of absence" deal, but the truth is that if you have a horse capable of winning a race, Riley will ride that damned horse for all it is worth and give it a great chance of winning.

2. Greg Popovich -- Plus 9 -- All he does is win. No one even notices that Duncan is 80% of what he once was or that Bowen is ancient or that Horry is almost worthless. pop just keeps winning, Spurs just keep winning, almost as if it is their birthright.

1. Phil Jackson -- Plus 10 -- Would have the Hawks fighting for home court in the East. Would have the Timberwolves heading for 50 wins. There are just certain guys who are better than others at what they do. That is who Phil is. He is the best ever NBA coach. The 1999 Lakers were swept by the Spurs in 4. 2000 Lakers with Phil won it all. The 2005 Lakers missed the playoffs at 34-48. The 2006 Lakers won 45 games. The year after Jordan left the Bulls for baseball, Phil's team won 55 games. Pippen was his star. (We all know the fate of other Pippen-led teams thereafter). Simply the best.

HM's 2007 Rating of NBA Coaches -- Part 2

13. Mike D'Antoni -- Plus 2 -- I really don't care for D'Antoni, and you have to admit that when you have Marion, Amare and Nash you aren't exactly required to be a coaching genius. Without Nash his teams tend to, well, suck. So you have to ask yourself, if I had a point guard who never made a mistake and shot 50% from 3, could my teams win? Yeah, probably. I will toss him a bone and say he is a top 13 guy, but it is a begrudging rating.

12. Byron Scott -- Plus 3 -- See Lawrence Frank. Scott doesn't ever seem to be beloved by his team, but he wins.

11. Don Nelson -- Plus 3 -- Nelly has lost Jason Richardson and Baron Davis and yet his squad hovers around .500. Imagine if Phoenix lost Nash and Marion.

10. Jeff Van Gundy -- Plus 3 -- I think that there is a lot of Pat Riley there. Giving Van Gundy Shane Battier, a gritty, hard-working winner, was a huge plus for the Rockets. When Van Gundy's guys play hard and play to win, he has enough to help them out.

9. Rick Carlisle -- Plus 3 to 5 -- He is a winner. I am not sure why they can't find a way to upgrade from Jamal Tinsley or why they wanted the burden of Murphy and Dunleavy's salaries, but Rick will probably find a way to get them into the playoffs, as he always does.

8. Scott Skiles -- Plus 3 to 5 -- Many adjectives have been used to describe Skiles in the past -- "gritty, gutty, drunk driving, gun toting, assholish, drug using" stuff like that. But he can coach and he understand how to use what he has. If the Bulls could acquire Garnett or Gasol for a fair price, they win the NBA title.

7. Phil "Flip" Saunders -- Plus 5 -- There is just no denying the man's offensive genius. None. He can navigate a team through a regular season schedule and win games all by himself. Playoffs.....well, notice he isn't higher than 7th.........

6. George Karl -- Plus 5 or 6 -- I believe that George Karl could coach any roster you gave him and do an excellent job. George Karl to Marcus Camby at Target Center last year, "It is called a substitution ROTATION, Marcus, get used to it!" George is in charge of his club.

HM's 2007 NBA Coaches Ranking -- Part 1

30 Guys, all clamboring for my Seal of Approval. Very few will receive it. Here goes........

It is my belief that the difference between the worst coach and the best coach in the NBA is about 20 games. So if Phil Jackson could win 52 games with the Hawks, Mike Woodson will win 32. Pretty simple. Here is my list of coaches with their "plus or minus games" placed next to them.

30. Mike Woodson -- The Hawks have a LOT of talent, yet they languish out of the playoffs in the East. Why? Mike Woodson. Drags his team down by 10 extra losses a year versus what an average NBA-level head coach could achieve.

29. Bernie Bickerstaff -- Another negative 10 guy. I am utterly confused by why an expansion team would be given to Charlotte in the first place, but then to allow that franchise to use BERNIE as their head coach? Wow. Why not just implant the franchise with a "Blade Runner" type chip where it automatically dies in 4 years?

28. Tony Barone -- Negative 8 -- You go from Fratello to Barone??? My gosh. Has anyone told the Grizzle that the worst record doesn't AUTOMATICALLY get Greg Oden?

27. Brian Hill -- Negative 7 -- When I heard that the Magic had put its eggs in his basket, I wanted to call up and say, "Um, that basket has a hole in it." Had Shaq and Penny in their primes and got swept by Houston. And it has been all down hill from there.

26. Eric Musselman -- Negative 6 -- teams don't win AND no one seems to like him. Not a real great combo. I guess he has his 60,000 page binder to keep him company.

25. Terry Stotts -- Negative 4 or 5 -- I really thought the Bucks would keep him a year and then hire a good coach. I was wrong. Without Michael Redd he seems to have just surrendered.

24. Mo Cheeks -- negative 4 or 5 -- Seems to never surprise to the upside, but always to the downside. Too bad, cuz he is a borderline HOF player. His coaching mediocrity does not help.

23. Isiah Thomas -- negative 4 or 5 -- Is not a horrible Woodsonian or Bickerstaffian coach, but he isn't a good one either. Pacers were better both before and after his tender on the bench. He actually is VERY good at evaluating drafts, but, while a better coach than GM/owner, he still just can't seem to coach his teams to the win total they should have.

22. Doc Rivers -- Negative 3 or 4 -- I used to really like Doc when he coached Orlando. Now I realize that maybe having a healthy Tracy McGrady is enough for any coach to go .500.

21. Lawrence Frank -- Negative 3 -- Byron Scott is there, they go to the finals. Scott is forced out, they slowly but surely fade toward mediocrity. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

20. Randy Wittman -- Negative 3 -- he seems to know the Xs and Os, but he inspires absolutely NO confidence on or off the court. He could tell you that "grass is generally green" and you would not believe him. Reminds me a bit of "Old Gil" on the Simpsons -- the guy who never has a job and you feel sorry for a lot. While Isiah is all sizzle and no steak, Witt is a $10 steak served to you on a puke-colored plate with only a spoon.

19. Mike Brown -- Negative 2 -- The Cavs' offense is almost unwatchable. I mean, my lord, you have a guy in LeBron who is unbelievably explosive and who can do so many things. Your strategy? Walk it up, have 3 guys stand completely still, one guy set a really weak pick for LeBron, let the clock almost expire and have LeBron jack up a bad 3. Um, great.

18. Bob Hill -- Negative 1 to negative 2 -- not a terrible coach, but the Seattle situation requires a REALLY GOOD coach, which he is not.

17. Nate McMillan -- Negative 1 to negative 2 -- this will show you how mediocre the current crop of NBA coaches is that I am forced to rate Nate ("let's play Stephen Graham over Martell Webster") this high.

16. Sam Mitchell -- Zero -- An amazing improvement by Sam, who has actually seemed to have grasped the offensive side of the game. He is a nice guy and a hard worker and he can really kick some disciplinarian ass. Never going to the HOF as a coach or a player, but not bad.

15. Mike Dunleavy -- Zero -- gets points for not acquiring his son. Dunleavy with a good team will win and with a bad team will lose. I am not sure why teams always line up to shower him with 8-figure long-term deals, but hey, he is better than half the coaches in the league.

14. Eddie Jordan -- Zero -- Doesn't HURT you to have a coach who rolls the ball out on the floor (until the playoffs when he lets LeBron be single guarded and beat the squad by himself). He knows what he has and he plays to Arenas' strength (and Jamison's and Butler's).


Next up -- the Final 13.

I may Have to Start watching the Pro Bowl

http://nfl.aolsportsblog.com/2007/02/11/bills-punter-blogger-brian-moorman-gets-jacked-up/

Have A Great Weekend

All of this talk of snow and upstate NY is making me homesick. So I leave you for the weekend with a pic of just a typical Western NY girl (looks like someone I might have considered dating despite my numerous similar choices) -- Buffalo, NY's own Carrie Stevens.

Bud Bundy -- Divorcing

http://www.tmz.com/2007/02/06/bud-bundy-files-for-divorce/ To quote the show:

Peggy: If you don't like it you never have to do it again. Al: Then explain Bud.

Now Her Daughter Can Be the Plaintiff

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/movies/la-na-legal9feb09,0,6271144.story?coll=la-home-entertainment Anna Nicole's mom (who basically trashed her daughter on TV last night -- thanks Mom) has said she wants the child to live with "her father, whoever that is," so the guy who wins that suit (which will almost certainly NOT be the lawyer Stern) will be the one who gets to raise a daughter who might have an $89MM judgment coming. What would be a good investment for a daughter with such big cash? Maybe a huge mansion where dad would also have to live?

Here is an idea: rather than letting the little girl become a party to the civil action and ending up dead (two down already), maybe you see if the kid can sell her judgment to a speculator for 10-20 cents on the dollar ($8.9 to $17.8MM) and just walk away from the friggin' thing! The whole damned thing is cursed. Why impose that on a baby girl?

Oswego NY -- a lot of snow

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/six-feet-of-snow-blankets-upstate-new/20070208094109990001. There are two "Snow Belts" in upstate NY. The first is southeast of Buffalo where the NW wind howls over Lake Erie and dumps 4 inches a night onto places like Wyoming County. That is where I grew up -- 110 to 135 inches of snow a year back in the 1970s.

Then there is the snowbelt north of Rochester and Syracuse, right by Lake Ontario. Believe it or not, this is worse. You can get 150-300 inches of snow there in a winter. Oswego (mentioned in the link) is also the place where my first girlfriend was attending college when she unceremoniously dropped me like a bad habit in 1983. So, in a way, I guess Oswego deserves all of what it is getting for the pain that it inflicted upon me 24 years ago. I almost drank myself into unconsciousness the night of the dumping, including a bad decision to drink champagne and 7 ounce pony beers after starting with blackberry brandy and 7-Up -- and I am sorry to the young Jewish co-ed whom I threw up on as I was running out of the bar that night (the bathroom was full). My bad.........

Recommended Grieving Material

http://www.mrskin.com/Stars/00984/Anna_Nicole_Smith.htm. "Skyscraper" and/or "To the Limit" appear to be the necessary viewing material to honor the late Vicki Lynn Hogan/Smith/Marshall (and maybe Stern -- though Wikipedia says that she never really married her lawyer).

Lessons from Vicki Lynn's life: 1) just cuz you are a teenage mom/nothing-happening stripper doesn't mean you won't become world famous and extremely wealthy; 2) just because you are gorgeous at 25 doesn't mean you will be at 35; and 3) again, as Mr. Marshall found out -- fighting over money doesn't mean a whole lot when they lay you in the ground.

Anna Nicole Smith -- Dead at 39

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/08/anna.nicole.collapses/index.html

Amazing -- more to come.

6 Degrees of Minnesota Cold

As a Minnesotan for 18 years now, let me describe for you the levels of Minnesota cold (it is currently 3 degree, minus 14 wind chill):

1) 40 to 55 degrees -- in June and July we bitch about anything under 75 and the women huddle under blankets. In April or October, 40+ can result in great displays of short skirts on downtown streets as women try to get that first/last wearing.

2) 40 to 20 above -- This is generally when it snows and it isn't cold enough to make good ice for ice fishing. Minnesotans outside of Duluth are generally snow wimps, so you hear endless complaints about this set of temperatures. Having been raised in western NY, it generally just reminds me of home, less about 6 inches of snow per "storm." General feeling -- it isn't cold enough, what happened to winter?

3) 20 above to 5 -- Fairly cold, but the sun still shines. Hat and gloves are optional (unless it is very windy) and most people wear short jackets and jeans (oddly, Minnesotans really seem to love their blue jeans, even at advanced ages -- maybe it is because they are often in better shape than the folks I knew growing up who went to less constricting attire very quickly after turning 25). General feeling -- decent weather -- cold enough for Minnesotans, their favorite level of winter temperature. The pictured guy is probably going out to get his morning paper at this temperature range.

4) 5 above to 5 below -- now this is pretty danged cold. You generally will be wearing more stuff (hat, gloves). It generally is NOT a deterrent to adults doing things like ice fishing or snowmobiling. General feeling -- I wish it were warmer, but ehhhh, what ya gonna do?

5) 5 below to 20 below -- the start of serious cold. Even the boldest Minnesotan really does not want to go out unless fully dressed for winter. Taking the first breath of air leads you to shout out almost immediately, "Damn! It is COLD out" while yelling and jumping up and down. Things start to act funny -- car doors don't make the same sound when they shut. The snow doesn't really crunch as much as it squeaks. You pray that there will not be any wind -- fortunately there generally isn't.

General Feeling -- too cold. I wish I didn't have to go out.

6) 20 below and under -- in 1996 my suburb got to about 30 below (exact accounts differ) and in Tower, Minnesota they broke the state record at 60 below. This is the level where people stay inside. If you have to leave your car outside, the tires can freeze and get flat on the bottom. When you start to drive, it takes a while for the tires to warm up and get round. Car exhaust turns to ice. Throw a cup of boiling water into the air and it will become steam. A banana left out overnight will pound nails. Stuff like that. When it gets to more than 20 below, the general feeling is just an eerie quiet. Not to be overly dramatic, but one mistake/problem and you can die quite quickly. Word is that the Twin Cities won't see 20 below again this year -- no one will miss that.

Tyrus Thomas -- Um, Honest

From the Orlando Sentinel's Blog:

The NBA is looking to remove Chicago Bulls rookie Tyrus Thomas from the all-star slam-dunk competition and replace him, a prominent agent has told us.
Thomas was fined $10,000 by the league after telling reporters he didn't really care about going for anything but the money.
Thomas said he was "going out there, get my check and call it a day."
"The league is looking to replace him," the agent said.

No truth to the rumor that Thomas's reply was, "So fucking what? Do you know how much do-re-mi the idiot Bulls pay me to play like shit? Just because I could block J.J. Redick's soft-ass finger rolls? You think I give a flying [f] about $10,000? Paxson can kiss my ass."

To make the record clear, I do NOT believe that Tyrus Thomas (who is also not pictured above yawning) said that.........out loud.

John Amaechi -- Gay

http://www.aolsportsblog.com/2007/02/07/rumors-are-confirmed-john-amaechi-is-coming-out/. When he heard Amaechi was coming out, rumor is that Ted Haggard responded "I hate people like Amaechi!..." Now if Amaechi can just explain why he passed up $20 million from the Lakers in 2000 to sign a one-year deal with Orlando?!!??!?

Frankie Laine -- RIP

Sang many songs including the hit "Rawhide" from the TV show of the same name. He was 93. Move him out, Lord. http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/rawhidelyrics.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frankie_Laine

Ted Haggard -- "Completely Heterosexual"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/06/haggard.ap/index.html. Ya pay ONE guy to bend you over and do things to you and all of a sudden you're labeled as "gay"!?!? Thank goodness Missouri and Iowa will have the opportunity to benefit from the completely heterosexual secular works of Mr. Haggard on a going forward basis. GC Boy, do you need an assistant?

Life Lesson

1) Elevator doors may open unexpectedly; 2) there won't always be anything at your floor when they do; 3) if you are at a bar with beds, find a nice girl and lure her to the bed, but do not attack an actor from the series "Oz."
http://www.bedny.com/home.php
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_documents/020507_oz_adams_wm.pdf

Grossman and Inexplicable Strategies Doom Bears

This Super Bowl (Colts beat Bears 29-17) reminded me of Redskins/Dolphins (the Riggins run game) and Barry Switzer's Cowboys over Neil O'Donnell's Steelers. In all three games the losing squad hung around and hung around and hung around and had an opportunity to win, but all three were plagued by awful quarterback play (Woodley/O'Donnell-to-Larry Brown/Rex Grossman). In fact, in the Dolphin's Super Bowl loss Don Shula wanted to replace Woodley at halftime, but when the Dolphins ran back the second half kickoff for a touchdown he decided that he wouldn't switch QB's in a tie game.

Lovie Smith stuck with Rex Grossman, no doubt because the game was close. But look at the Bears' 17 points: 1) kick return for a TD, 3) field goal after getting a gift penalty on the kickoff to move the ball to the Colt's 40, and 2) long Thomas Jones run to set up a short pass that should have been defensed but for the crippled DB trying to play on one leg.

And a note to all those people who want to see Ron Rivera as an NFL head coach: when Phil Simms (my favorite Simms moment of the night, 3rd and 8: "It will either be a draw or a pass." I noted to the kids -- "Look out, kids, either a run or a pass coming!") can see that every time you blitz you stop Manning, maybe ya oughta give blitzing a chance. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne (except for one blown coverage) did not do much, but you really don't have to do much when the other team lets you throw three yard passes and you can fall forward for two extra yards. To steal from GC Boy, "He is trying to tell you something (Ron). He can complete that pass."

There were many failings, but in the Final Analysis (Kim Basinger flick) it was really Grossman's inept play that prevented a Bears from winning. Just as Woodley and O'Donnell each basically lost the Super Bowl for his squad, Rex's general awfulness did in Chicago. Throws the key pick 6 (I could have sworn I saw Al Davis in the stands readying a huge contract offer for the Colt DB). Throws another awful pick that looked like a punt. Drops the snap aqnd looks behind him while Dwight Freeney falls on the ball at the line of scrimmage. Drops the snap and then (possibly thinking that he had become a long snapper???) snaps the ball AGAIN between his legs back to no one. Before the Bears' field goal Grossman threw up another offering to the Colts secondary. Alas, they could not hold on to the gift and Robbie Gould actually got a chance to put 3 points on the board.

I was wrong on my football pick (as usual) but I guess I just underestimated the unbelievable suckiness of Rex Grossman, Lovie Smith's stubbornness, and Ron Rivera's ability to fiddle while Rome burned.

Mea culpa.

Iverson -- Western Conference All-Star???

So, they named the all-star team reserves and decided that playing 19 games in the Western Conference made AI the best pick for the all-star reserves? No Josh Howard. No Carmelo Anthony??? Anthony played 28 games in the Western Conference and has better stats than AI's Western Conference stats..............................Of course the rub is that the Western Conference is always forward heavy (Zach Randolph gets left off, as does Elton Brand). But if the coaches are trying to send a message to Anthony (fighting is bad) shouldn't they instead concentrate on AI (quitting on your team and encouraging a trade is bad)???? Anthony will get on (he'll replace Boozer) and I look for Josh Howard, Ray Allen, Marcus Camby or Randolph to replace Yao.

Super Bowl Prediction

Bears 35, Colts 20. Bears are the better team at every position except QB and maybe WR. Colts are back in Florida where they gave up 6,000 yards rushing to the Jags. Only a complete Grossman collapse (think Craig Morton with Denver against Dallas) would result in a Bears loss.

Miss USA -- "I Was, Maybe, Kinda Sorta, Abused......OR Betrayed.......OR Something"

http://news.aol.com/entertainment/articles/_a/tara-conner-grilled-on-abuse-in/20070131111709990001 So that is why 10 years later, after I have had my greatest life success, I decided to start drinking and also snorting cocaine...................................................... For God's sake. How about this speech instead -- "I am 22 and from the sticks of Kentucky. I am super hot. SUPER hot. I decided that I would hit the town real hard and try some things I never got to do before. I liked it and I never thought anyone would narc on me. I was wrong. Hey, I now see it looks bad to the public. OK, I had to go to frigging rehab and look like as fool. I am sorry. Now get off my ass. Soon I will be married to a sugar daddy multi-millionairre and hosting on the Game Show Network. And I will still be hotter than all you women and a hotter ride than any of you men will ever get."

Aqua Teen Terrorist Force?

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/two-charged-in-stunt-joke-after-release/20070131182009990001. They look mean, don't they? What the hell is wrong with Boston? In every other city where these things appeared --- no big deal. In Boston? Shut down the Charles River to all traffic!!! Someone has placed Lite Brites across our fair city and they have (pause for effect) WIRES AND BATTERIES in them!!!! Unexplained Lite Brite? Better close off all waterway traffic!?!? ................................................I cannot wait for this to go to trial. My lord. How many thousands of examples will the defense be able to point to that are more terroristic looking than a Lite Brite with a cartoon character flipping people off. Maybe the poor judgment exhibited over the years by Ted Kennedy (driving, CBS interview), Mike Dukakis (tank pic), Kitty Dukakis (drinking), John Kerry (general ineptitude, windsurfing pic), Grady Little (pitching changes) and Doc Rivers (see Kerry but w/o windsurfing) is just a product of being a public figure based in the city of Boston? Do we really want Mitt Romney as a Presidential candidate with this sort of city history?????????? I would say "no" but the city of Boston may locate me and charge me with some bizarre crime and threaten me with jail time....................

Molly Ivins, RIP

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/syndicated-columnist-molly-ivins-dies-at/20070131191809990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001. The great columnist died of breast cancer at age 62. The best quote in the article is Ivins' statement that cancer can kill you, but it doesn't make you a better person. She might also have added that being in a position of power doesn't make you a better person, but if you ever read her columns you know that she was not afraid to expose the faults of those in power, particularly the former C-student and party boy she unaffectionately called "Shrub."

Nick Saban -- Cajun-Baiter

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/01/31/saban.apology.ap/index.html. So much for those 3 Cajun players he could have recruited but-for this gaffe!!! On the plus side, Saban gets HUGE brownie points with older Bama alums for his ability to tell a joke that features a racial slur!

Joe Biden -- Um, Blunt........

If your kids ever ask you what "It was over before it ever got started" means, now you can cite to Joe Biden's Presidential "Campaign" for the 2008 election: In a critique of the Democratic field, he said of Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois: "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy," he told the New York Observer, a weekly. "I mean, that's a storybook, man." .......................................................Mr. Biden told the Observer interviewer that New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's plan for Iraq is "a serious mistake," but said she "is clearly qualified to be president." He jabbed at former Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina: "I don't think John Edwards knows what the heck he is talking about." ......................I think old Joe's advisors should just go back the the 1988 strategy of having Joe steal speeches from other politicians........................I really have more of a problem with Biden's last two comments than his first one. Clinton supports a cap on troop levels in Iraq, Edwards supports a withdrawal. So this leaves Biden as............the Dem's "Stay the Course" candidate??????? Way to stake out a popular position, Joe!! Now, to (egad) defend Joe Biden on statement #1 -- is that a false statement? Biden was clearly talking about the first African-American CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT. Would anyone really dispute that? So then you go down the list of black Presidential candidates -- Jesse Jackson (so out of the mainstream that Bill Clinton regularly attacked him or ignored him); Al Sharpton (I would say he fails about every aspect of Biden's test); Shirley Chisholm (not mainstream or good looking or a guy); Carol Moseley Braun (same); Allen Keyes (no Dem would claim Allen Keyes was mainstream, would they?). The true statement about Obama is that he is, "The first candidate for President who is a good-looking African-American male, has actually served in Congress, and who doesn't use the term "Reverend" to describe himself."