Thursday, February 07, 2008

Secret Transcript of Mitt Romney Pre-Resignation

Hard to believe that I could get this, but here it is.

(I am informed that the setting is a room full of Romney advisors and Mitt, the night before his CPAC speech. Only two advisors speak during this exchange).

Advisor1 -- "Mitt, we need to talk."

Mitt -- "Stock market is down again! Jeezo beezo! OK, pal, what is up? Is there a problem with my hair or what?"

A1 -- "Mitt, concentrate here. This is important."

Mitt -- "OK, OK, back to the message: More tax cuts for the rich! McCain is Stalin! I have always thought abortion is murder.......How is THAT?"

A1 -- "Mitt. It looks like you are going to lose."

Mitt -- "OK. So roll back the tax cuts. I am just like McCain. My mother fought hard for abortion rights!............(Am I winning now?)"

A1 -- "Please, be quiet just a sec. It seems that you will need to spend an extra $20 million from here on out and even then you have almost no chance to win."

Mitt -- "Um......Islamo-facists!! Execute Bin Laden!.....................Now can I win?"

A1 -- "Sorry, Governor. The math just doesn't add up. You are too far behind."

Mitt (audible sobbing) -- "Just tell me what to say and I will say it. COME ON!!! I don't know if you have noticed, but I will do anything to win. Do I have to favor gay married illegal immigrant boy scout leaders? Cuz I will. I may know some -- I can go ask those seven guys who worked on my lawn for $2.50 plus a box of Bombpops the other day!"

A1 -- "Seems like folks just don't much like you. Exit polls say you seem, well, insincere to the voters."

Advisor 2 -- "The bright side is that you can stay in the race and remain a shining beacon for the true conservative values held by guys like Bill Bennett and Rush Limbaugh."

Mitt -- "So, you are advising me to spend my money so I can help out a gambler and a recovering drug addict?"

A2 -- "It will be great. You will be a shining example for the rich, I mean "economically conservative" wing of the party and become an icon to them."

Mitt -- "You are advising me to spend my own money to not win?"

A2 -- "Well..."

Mitt -- "So that I can advance political positions that I don't actually believe in and that I only started espousing 2 years ago?"

A2 -- "Well...."

Mitt -- "Well, what do you think?"

A1 -- "I can see both sides of the argument."

Mitt -- "Don't give me that line. I invented that line. Do that again and I will dice you up and spit you out like a small family-owned takeover target."

A2 -- "You could be the new Ronald Reagan!"

Mitt -- "I already tried that. Didn't win. Then I became tough on Iraq. Didn't win. Became the Ross Perot "I had a real job" guy. Didn't win. I promised Michigan a gazillion dollars in job training for auto workers. I don't have a gazillion dollars for people I don't really give a hoot about, but at least I won there. Maybe that's it. Can I offer everyone about $20,000 per person if they vote for me?"

A1 -- "I am not sure that will work. You are an economic conservative, remember."

Mitt -- (laughs very loudly). "You always know how to make me laugh."

A1 -- "No. I was being.....I mean you......never mind."

Mitt -- "So, I spend another $20 million and I don't win? May the Mormon elders (whom I worship as messengers of God because Mormonism is the one true faith) forgive me, but screw that. I am out of this craphole. Write me some speech about Islamo-facists and I will quit. Smell ya later, dickweeds! Drive home in your Yugos or whatever you poor folk drive. Do you each need a buck for a gallon of gas or what? I only have 50s, but here is one -- all 10 of you split this and go buy yourselves each a tank of gas this week, but make sure to bring me back the change. I don't want a repeat of that whole "you can't get a gallon of milk for two bucks" incident."

A1 -- (sounds disgusted) "In your speech should I have you endorse McCain?"

Mitt -- "Let the Mayor of Munchkinland sit and stew. I hate that old bastard. He is so old he farts dust. And his flippin' MOM -- "Mormon" on THIS you old bitty!"

A1 -- "OK guys, let's get writing, we quit the race tomorrow."

So there you go!


1 comment:

RKG said...

I think I can confidently say that I am the only regular reader of this blog that was a Mormon (I am recovering. :)). One change to this otherwiuse deadly accurrate transcription. Napolean Dynamite was not off the mark linguistically. Mitt w/n say "Jeezo Bezo." The correct exclamation is either "Flip!" or "Dangit!"