With appropriate person-specific revisions, this is how I will apologize to the next person who is upset at a mistake I have made:
"Hello, I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. By now you're probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner (pictured).
I have literally apologized an infinite number of times over this, and still there are calls for me to resign, calls from an annoying woman and possibly even the media alike. Well, let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I will not resign.
I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team to remove me from this office, and maybe not even then. There is no way I will resign. It wouldn't be fair, not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients. And especially not to me. Let's not forget who this resigning business is really all about.
I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for the gas. Gas prices are high and I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me.
It is so not fair that they want me to resign. If I could leave you with one thought: remember, it wasn't me. They are trying to make me an escapegoat.
If I am fired, I swear to God that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F word on it. The F word.........You have one day."