Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Zach Randolph -- Um, Offensive-Minded

Great description and great clip:

Exxon Valdez -- 19 Years Later

So, it is almost 19 years after the March 24, 1989 oil spill and the punitive damages issue STILL has not been decided!

In "Thank You For Smoking" (a movie rental that I highly recommend), the child of a tobacco lobbyist is asked to write an essay on why America has the best government. His dad's help? "Because of its endless appeal process."

Now, imagine that you are the Plaintiffs' lawyer in Minneapolis seeking this $2.5 billion in punitive damages. Per wikipedia (which, according to Michael Scott, must be accurate because anyone can write anything they want), the interest on this amount is $400,000,000 a year. But let's assume that interest in only $250,000,000 a year and let's say that it has been 15 years since the verdict. That is about $4 billion in interest.

So, assume that the Plaintiffs' lawyers get one-third of any recovery (I have no idea what they get). The Supreme Court's decision could mean that they either get $0 or they get $2.1 BILLION in attorneys' fees. Even dividing that money evenly by 500 lawyers (the lawyers, to my knowledge, are still a large Minneapolis firm) that is over $4,000,000 per lawyer.

As a Plaintiff's attorney myself, I cannot imagine the tension at the Supreme Court today.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Florida Minister -- Have Sex Every Day!

God bless this man!

Note that the article mentions that divorce rates are highest in the South. These are the holier-than-thou folk that call themselves "The Moral Majority."

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

22 Worst Dunks Ever

This guy did all of this work, he deserves yet another link to his masterpiece:

Do NOT forget to go to his "honorable mention" links at the bottom and see Julian Wright's dunk attempt -- I feel Julian was shorted by not making the top 13.


Thursday, February 07, 2008

Secret Transcript of Mitt Romney Pre-Resignation

Hard to believe that I could get this, but here it is.

(I am informed that the setting is a room full of Romney advisors and Mitt, the night before his CPAC speech. Only two advisors speak during this exchange).

Advisor1 -- "Mitt, we need to talk."

Mitt -- "Stock market is down again! Jeezo beezo! OK, pal, what is up? Is there a problem with my hair or what?"

A1 -- "Mitt, concentrate here. This is important."

Mitt -- "OK, OK, back to the message: More tax cuts for the rich! McCain is Stalin! I have always thought abortion is murder.......How is THAT?"

A1 -- "Mitt. It looks like you are going to lose."

Mitt -- "OK. So roll back the tax cuts. I am just like McCain. My mother fought hard for abortion rights!............(Am I winning now?)"

A1 -- "Please, be quiet just a sec. It seems that you will need to spend an extra $20 million from here on out and even then you have almost no chance to win."

Mitt -- "Um......Islamo-facists!! Execute Bin Laden!.....................Now can I win?"

A1 -- "Sorry, Governor. The math just doesn't add up. You are too far behind."

Mitt (audible sobbing) -- "Just tell me what to say and I will say it. COME ON!!! I don't know if you have noticed, but I will do anything to win. Do I have to favor gay married illegal immigrant boy scout leaders? Cuz I will. I may know some -- I can go ask those seven guys who worked on my lawn for $2.50 plus a box of Bombpops the other day!"

A1 -- "Seems like folks just don't much like you. Exit polls say you seem, well, insincere to the voters."

Advisor 2 -- "The bright side is that you can stay in the race and remain a shining beacon for the true conservative values held by guys like Bill Bennett and Rush Limbaugh."

Mitt -- "So, you are advising me to spend my money so I can help out a gambler and a recovering drug addict?"

A2 -- "It will be great. You will be a shining example for the rich, I mean "economically conservative" wing of the party and become an icon to them."

Mitt -- "You are advising me to spend my own money to not win?"

A2 -- "Well..."

Mitt -- "So that I can advance political positions that I don't actually believe in and that I only started espousing 2 years ago?"

A2 -- "Well...."

Mitt -- "Well, what do you think?"

A1 -- "I can see both sides of the argument."

Mitt -- "Don't give me that line. I invented that line. Do that again and I will dice you up and spit you out like a small family-owned takeover target."

A2 -- "You could be the new Ronald Reagan!"

Mitt -- "I already tried that. Didn't win. Then I became tough on Iraq. Didn't win. Became the Ross Perot "I had a real job" guy. Didn't win. I promised Michigan a gazillion dollars in job training for auto workers. I don't have a gazillion dollars for people I don't really give a hoot about, but at least I won there. Maybe that's it. Can I offer everyone about $20,000 per person if they vote for me?"

A1 -- "I am not sure that will work. You are an economic conservative, remember."

Mitt -- (laughs very loudly). "You always know how to make me laugh."

A1 -- "No. I was being.....I mean you......never mind."

Mitt -- "So, I spend another $20 million and I don't win? May the Mormon elders (whom I worship as messengers of God because Mormonism is the one true faith) forgive me, but screw that. I am out of this craphole. Write me some speech about Islamo-facists and I will quit. Smell ya later, dickweeds! Drive home in your Yugos or whatever you poor folk drive. Do you each need a buck for a gallon of gas or what? I only have 50s, but here is one -- all 10 of you split this and go buy yourselves each a tank of gas this week, but make sure to bring me back the change. I don't want a repeat of that whole "you can't get a gallon of milk for two bucks" incident."

A1 -- (sounds disgusted) "In your speech should I have you endorse McCain?"

Mitt -- "Let the Mayor of Munchkinland sit and stew. I hate that old bastard. He is so old he farts dust. And his flippin' MOM -- "Mormon" on THIS you old bitty!"

A1 -- "OK guys, let's get writing, we quit the race tomorrow."

So there you go!


Mitt Romney -- Quitter

Demonstarting the lack of backbone that make him, well, Mitt Romney, he quits the Presidential race today.

If I were in upstate NY I would call him a "puss," but I am not so I won't.