Monday, July 27, 2009

My Trip to The Kolacky Days Queen Contest

Since I own some land in ex-urban Minnesota, I like to head down whenever I get a chance to the nearest town -- Montgomery, MN. I took the family this year for our second trip to Kolacky Days, the annual Montgomery festival. A kolacky (alternative spelling -- kolache) is basically just a bun stuffed with some sort of filling (traditionally poppy seed or prune, but I prefer raspberry or apple). But this year I got the girls to attend the pageant for the Kolacky Days queen.

First -- $25 for the three of us to get in. Yikes. Um, money maker. I almost asked whether I got a free foreclosed house with a paid admission.

Second -- I have always really wanted my kids to grow up in the country, but to say that the high school auditorium is old and crappy would be, well, the truth. I sat in the back corner -- I thought I was getting black lung disease.

Third -- there is something just so solid about a small town. They had 30 past queens in attendance. For example, the 1949 and 1950 queens were there. Here is all you need to know about pageant contestants: 2005 and 2007 winners had the same last name, they looked alike, they had to be relatives (sisters or cousins). They didn't sit together because they made sure the 2006 winner sat in between for purposes of introductions. Wow. The older queens -- they sat wherever they wanted so they could see the stage better.

Fourth -- I actually was amazed at who won. I mean, I figured it was fixed like any other beauty pageant and the prettiest blonde girl would win. Nope. Good for you, Kolacky Days, good for you.

Fifth -- A couple MC jokes -- "My wife put her bra on backwards this morning...and it fit better!!" "The state trooper says, 'OK, if you can give me a good excuse for speeding, I will let you off with a warning.' Then the speeder said, 'My wife ran away with a state trooper 3 years ago and I thought you were bringing her back.'"

"On the morning of her birthday the man's wife said she wished she were 6 again. The guy took her to an amusement park and the movies and then asked how he had done in making her feel 6 again. The woman replied -- I meant a SIZE 6 you retard." Not often you hear a joke anymore that uses the word retard....thank goodness.

Overall experience -- 8 out of 10. I asked the girls if they wanted to come back next year. "OF course. I have to see who wins!"

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Quarterbacks Since 1980 to Post a Zero Passer Rating For a Game (10+ attempts)

Quarterback CP AT YD INT Notes

Todd Marinovich 3 10 25 3 Last career NFL game played

Tommy Maddox 6 23 49 3

Dave Brown 3 11 31 2

Kent Graham 4 14 40 2

Tony Graziani 4 18 24 2 1st career start

Trent Dilfer 2 15 38 2

Ryan Leaf 1 15 4 2

Scott Mitchell 4 16 39 2

Anthony Wright 5 20 35 2

Randy Fasani 5 18 46 3 Only career start

Tim Hasselbeck 6 26 56 4

Jeff Garcia 8 27 71 3

Eli Manning 4 18 27 2

Joey Harrington 5 17 20 2

Rex Grossman 2 12 33 3

Chris Redman 4 15 34 2

How absolutely terrible are these performances? Well, I looked up Spurgeon Wynn's 2 starts with the Vikings -- ratings of 23.2 and 20. He had a chance at a zero against the Packers, but managed to throw a TD in that game (ruining his 0 rating). Against Baltimore, Wynn did engineer a 19-3 loss and go 13-29 for 86 yards and 2 picks, but those 13 completions were just too good to reach a 0 rating (even though he did average a paltry 3 yards per pass attempt).

So what do you need for a 0 passer rating? Well, the best game on the list appears to be Jeff Garcia's 8 of 27. So you need to complete less than 30% of your passes. No zero rated passer has achieved 3 yards per attempt. And every single guy has throw at least 2 picks with no TD's.

So, Wynn failed to get under 30% in either Viking start and he managed to eke out 3 yards per attempt both times. Plus he had that one unfortunate TD (47 yards to Byron Chamberlain -- his stats the rest of the game? 10 of 29 for 67 yards and 3 picks).

CONCLUSION -- You really, really, really have to suck in a game to get a 0 passer rating for that game.

Blake Griffin -- To Quote Rita Coolidge...

"Outside the rain begins; and it may never end":

Find Bill Simmons' article on the Clippers curse. Poor kid.

Life During Wartime

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Video For You All

Text of Lawsuit Against Big Ben

Well, I guess we now have her side of the story. Actually HOSPITALIZED for months!!

Erin Andrews Article

The article is well written. But what amazes me most is that the author is married to a cheerleader who, while a Tennessee Titans cheerleader, did not believe that her primary purpose as a pro sports cheerleader was to titillate male fans. Wow. Are cheereleaders really this dumb?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hey, Stop Stealing My Stuff!!!

Compare --

Bernie Kosar "I Am 45.....And An Idiot"

And no he is not talking about me......I don't think.......

Riddle me this, Batman: if you are basically on the verge of bankruptcy because your investments suck the big one so badly, why don't you simply GIVE your wife half of the worthless investments and not pay lawyers $5MM!!!!!!!!!!!! to end up in the same place???

Weird. But I guess not as weird as being 45 and having no idea (per Kosar) of how to operate a dishwasher.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Sarah Palin -- Quitter says it better than I ever could.

When you are a Republican and Fox News commentators start turning on you, maybe you have surpassed the threshold of "whacky" and moved on to plain old "insane"?

The Handi-Quacks -- The Greatest Cartoon To Never Make TV