Thursday, February 26, 2009

Death By Sex

The Russian mechanic -- name "Tuganov", English equivalent "Tuggin'-off" -- felt the need to win a $4,300 bet by trying to pleasure two women non-stop for 12 hours.

While I appreciate his dedication to the bet, I think that if two women are willing to bet you that you can't have sex with them for 12 straight hours, you maybe ought to decline the bet and just, well, have sex with them for some amount of time that won't make your heart explode. Alternatively, you tell them you want a warm-up try that "doesn't count" to see if you want to make the bet. Then you do the best you can and say, "Nope, you were right."

And of course, no mention of Russian women would be complete without a few words from Yakov Smirnoff:

“I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.”

"In the Soviet Union, we have no prostitution. Russian women have trouble giving it away."

"Russian women: At 20, they look 40. At 40, they look 60. At 60—don't look."

"In the US, you can catch a cold. In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!" (not related to women, but pure Yakov gold)

"I read the employment announcement of "Part-Time Woman Wanted"; what a country! Even transvestites can get work!"

"I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What Really Grinds My Gears #5 -- Minnesota Driving Issues

You know what really grinds my gears? Minnesota drivers and Minnesota road design.

Minnesota drivers, first of all, have no idea of how to merge into traffic. Sometimes six cars squeeze ahead into one spot, sometimes one guy prevents everyone from merging. Hey idiots -- one for one rule -- you let one car in, then you go, then one car goes behind you and the next guy in line goes, etc., etc.

And how about the folks who decide that they police the left lane of traffic. "It says speed limit 60, so I will go 59." Get the hell out of the lane!!! If there are cops, there are cops. Accept common practice. Do you go downtown and force people into the crosswalk, or trip them when they try to cross when it says "Don't Walk"? If no, then just get the hell out of the left lane. I wanna get to where I am going!! People are passing you on the right!

And hey, road designers, this is the 12th biggest state in the union. Any real reason why people exiting off southbound Highway 169 onto Interstate 394 East have to share an exit lane with people getting onto 169 South from Interstate 394? Any idea why you inconvenienced 400,000 cars a day to save maybe 500 feet of pavement? And you built an intersection with I-35 (runs all the way through Texas) where people going south had to cross 4 lanes of traffic just to stay on I-35? And it will take 4 years to reconstruct the fix to that wonderful design?

That is what really grinds my gears.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What Really Grinds My Gears #6 -- Boxing Graphics

You know what really grinds my gears? Boxing graphics.

"Thrown/landed" -- just let me watch the frickin' fight. It only counts if the judges say it does, and 34.7% of fights are fixed, so why keep track on screen. And when Lennox Lewis fights Andrew Golata, do we really need a graphic saying:


Lewis -- Red
Golata -- White/Red

? Is one guy not black with dreadlocks and the other guy not white with a crew cut? Is that going to change during the match? Is Golata gonna turn black or is Lewis going to fashion his hair after Golata's?

So that is what really grinds my gears.

Enough for today.


What Really Grinds My Gears #7 -- Fruits and Vegetables

You know what really grinds my gears? Fruits and vegetables.

8 helpings a day -- yeah right. And it takes like 4 months to grow me 89 cents worth of snap peas in my garden? And who can eat 600 zuchinnis? And why when I go to Florida is it a crime when I stop my car by the roadside and eat as much fruit off the orange trees as I can eat while I am standing in the field? Doesn't the Bible say that is OK?

So that is what really grinds my gears.

What Grinds My Gears #8 -- The Local News

You know what really grinds my gears? The local news. Yeah, I didn't know until today that there was a fire 18 miles across town. But I will sure as heck have known it by 12:01, and 5:01, and again at 6:01 and now at 9:01 and 10:01. Do I really need to know that someone from the worst part of north Minneapolis got shot today in a gang-related incident? And do I need to know it five times in 10 hours? It's like, "Hey man, there were 25 killings today on the North side!" No man, there were five and you got to see them 5 times. And also -- why don't hire female anchors purely on looks anymore?

So that is what really grinds my gears.

What Grinds My Gears #9 -- Tattoos

You know what grinds my gears? Tattoos. The way I figure it, by 2020 every inch of every NBA basketball player will be covered by a tattoo. So what exactly is the point here? Are ya saying "I look like someone on meth who just found $6 extra and a friendly tattoo artist?" I mean, it used to be that girls has the tramp stamp above their jeans to show us, basically "I am easy" (well, that plus an anklet). But now they get a tattoo all of the way down one arm. Are you Samoan? Does this mean your arm is kinda trampy? And what is with the bright colors?

So that is what really grinds my gears.

What Grinds My Gears #10 -- Phil Jackson's Face

I was put in mind today of the great Peter Griffin rant about Lindsay Lohan:

You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a... You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.

So, in keeping with the tone of that worthless yet humorous rant, I thought I would try to put together 10 off the top of my head:

10. You know what grinds my gears? Phil Jackson's face -- beard, then huge beard, now NO BEARD!! And why does he now look 40? What the hell is that? And why is he so smirky? Smirk on, Mr......Smirky. Cuz ooh, I coached Shaq and Michael! Ooh, managed to win titles with two of the best 10 players of all time. Oooh. Get your beard back and put away the smirk.

That's what grinds my gears.