Happy Father’s Day 2019

June 16, 2019 is Father’s Day.  At age 55, here is what I know about being a father:

1) My Grandpa on my dad's side worked 14 hours a day as a dairy farmer.  His primary role as a father was to make sure his kids' life was nothing but school and farming.  He ran the farm, and he took no shit.

As far as I can tell, this Grandpa's role in his kids' emotional well-being was.........none.  Remarkably, virtually every one of his 6 kids is a super nice person.  I mean, 4 became teachers and one became a nurse.  The other became a dairy executive.  I honestly have no idea how they became so pleasant and well liked, but I'd gather it was from my grandma, who always issued small acts of kindness and always made sure everyone got fed.  (And fed a lot - the 6 kids all have type 2 diabetes which hit about 50-55.  I am similarly afflicted).


2) My Grandpa on my mother's side was a remarkably mean person.  He didn't like his kids, their spouses, their grandkids.  He was just a mean and ornery guy.  He was around 6'3" tall and had a 5'1" wife, who was a very nice sweet lady who never crossed him.

They also had 6 kids, many of whom are successful, but almost all of whom are pretty weird people, which certainly seems to make sense in the overall scheme of things since their household was run by a maniac, with only moderate input from the nicer person.

Lesson from 1&2 - it is probably OK for the dad not to be a real loving type, so long as the mom makes up for it, or so long as the dad is just absent and not affirmatively bad.


3) My dad is a super nice guy.  He is not super smart, but he is educated, and he knows well what he needs to know.  He does not pretend to be what he is not.  My dad sees the world in shades of gray and always cautions against condemning people or positions taken unless you first try to understand the background of the person or why a position is being taken.  He has always preached education and has always asked for patience.  He is very slow to anger.  He can be very funny, and he enjoys the simpler things in life - like playing or watching sports and taking a nap.

He married my super bright and super angry mother.  He always wanted his kids to do well, and he always preached that you judge people by their actions and not their skin color or religion or background.  As I said, he is a great guy.


4) I have been a dad for 25 years.  Being a dad can be tough, and I actually had a good dad!  When your kids are little, you so fear for their physical health and try to make sure they literally do not die due to some accident.  When your kids are 10-20, you worry greatly for their emotional health and their ability to interact with people and make friends.  When they pass 20, you start worrying about their ability to fend for themselves in the world and their ability to get and hold a job.

In other words, you never stop worrying about your kids.  So, every day, I think about my kids and hope they are doing well.

Another hard thing for me about being a dad is that your role is not really set.  I mean, I have seen nice dads, mean dads, sort of distant dads, tough dads, dads who treat their kids as a friend.  Sometimes one role works and sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it works for one kid and not another. 

My mom can really be a jerk.  But I learned a lot from her.  And I am positive that I would have never succeeded in life to the point I have unless I had the constantly angry and demanding mother that I did.  I have said that I wished all of my kids could have lived with my mom for a year, just to give them a dose of high expectations and tough demands.  I'd imagine they all would have benefitted.

Since I am sure my wife would never allow such an arrangement, I have always viewed my role as a dad to be as much like my own father as possible, but with a little of my mom's high expectations mixed in.  I also have always tried to teach my kids things and tell them things I know.  Sometimes they already know, but a lot of the time they do not.  Life should always be a learning experience, and it should not be limited to school.

I think as a dad you will always have the desire for your kids to do well, and you will always think they are great at things they are good at.  My dad always thought I should have played college sports.  I always thought my son should be Brad Pitt or Chris Hemsworth.   We have a high opinion of the kid, so we would like the kid to get to where we want them to go.  I think this is part of the whole, "I will never be good enough for my dad" feeling people have.  We dads just want you to use your inner greatness, and as a kid you usually do not feel like you have inner greatness. The kid is the one who has to care, so the kid generally wins, and the dad, as the loser, looks disappointed.  Dad doesn't love you any less; he is just disappointed in the result.

Moving on -- I think it is also good to be sort of a fallback position for your kids.  For example "I'd like to do that, but my dad would lose his mind." "My dad won't let me."  Sometimes there are things your kids should not do and really do not want to.  It is always nice to have someone to blame for good judgment.

As a dad, I try my best.  I also love my kids.  I was told when I was about 22 that "you love your girlfriend, but wait until you have kids."  So true.  If you are any kind of human being at all, you will protect your kids and put yourself on the line for them.  No one hurts your kids.

Being a dad - you work at it and you hope that it works out for your kids.  But they will always have stories about how mean or lazy or dumb you are or how you are unfair and treat their siblings better.  I only know one dad (my wife's late father) whose kids worship him and find he has absolutely 100% no flaws.  The minister at his funeral asked for some stories from the kids about his foibles - they could provide none.  I don't want that said about me, because I know it is untrue as to me.  As Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting, 

"Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about....People call these things imperfections, but they're not, aw, that's the good stuff."


Finally
When my dad's father died, I went to the funeral.  I was about 18.  The service was pretty dull - he wasn't a super interesting guy.  But then the minister said that he had asked folks about my grandpa's guiding principles and someone had told him that he viewed the family as a tree, and the dad was the trunk and roots of the tree from which all of the rest of the tree is allowed to grow and prosper.  It is not the dad's job to be beautiful or showy.  He is supposed to support the tree and allow the branches and limbs and fruits a chance to grow and become beautiful.  He was the trunk and roots of his family's tree. 

There was suddenly not a dry eye in the house.

Happy Fathers' Day.