Friday, July 22, 2016

Trump, Cruz, Hillary and Bernie -- Choosing a Bus Driver

As I was contemplating Trump's speech last night (summary -- the fucking world is ENDING people, ENDING!  No one has a job, everyone is poor, people are dying everywhere!!!!), I asked myself -- this guys is so incompetent and unstable, so why do I prefer him to Ted Cruz?

I arrived at this analogy.

Suppose that in early November I want to attend a Gophers football game and the only way for me to get there is to take one of four buses.  The potential drivers are Trump, Cruz, Hillary and Bernie. 

Trump -- If I choose Trump, I will get on his bus and I literally have no idea what will happen.  It may never get started.  He may walk off the bus and leave us in the parking lot.  We may end up in Des Moines or Madison.  Hell, who knows what will happen?  He clearly doesn't know how to drive a bus.  He doesn't seem particularly concerned about it and keeps shouting "we will get there and quickly!!!"  Terrifying experience, but maybe by some miracle we will get to, say, downtown Minneapolis and we can walk or train it from there, or we may end up right by the stadium.  Or we end up at the bottom of Lake Minnetonka.

Ted Cruz -- the bus will be spotless, we will be forced to pray every 5 minutes, and Ted will have a full tank of gas and freshly changed oil and a full tune up.  He will know everything there is to know about a bus and how to drive it.  He will also close the door and announce, "We are driving straight to Hell."  When informed that I really do not want to go to Hell, he will advise me that the Constitution and his general concept of "Freedom" demands that everyone be taken directly to Hell.  We will end up in Hell.  Everyone there will say, "You selected Ted Cruz's bus, what did you expect?"

Hillary Clinton -- the Clinton bus will be like the Cruz bus, clean, well maintained, she has her license.  She won't be quite the driver Cruz is, and she will be insufferable over the P.A. system.  "Guys, did you see that right turn!  I am so great!"  When she gets lost she will call someone at the bus company and fire them, remarking, "Guys, I am so sorry that my greatness was diminished briefly by that idiot.  Oh well, back to more stories of me and how great I am."  The bus will end up six to ten blocks from the stadium and Hillary will say, "Get out.  My time for you idiots is over.  I have to recall/make-up more stories about myself and how awesome I am."

Bernie Sanders -- he obtained his knowledge of bus driving by watching videos of others driving and remarking how driving a bus must suck and how it would be way, way better if robot chauffeurs would just take us to the game in flying cars.  But now he is driving the bus.  He really doesn't want to drive the bus, he just wants the robots to exist.  As the bus meanders wildly through the Interstate Highway System, Bernie complains about why the roads are not paved with gold, since it is everyone's right to expect gold-paved roads.  As we approach, say, Duluth, Bernie stops the bus and says, "OK, each one of you, how much did you make last year?"  I end up handing over 85% of my money, some of which is given to other riders and some of which goes toward Bernie's goal of the robot chauffeurs.  He ends up with like $300 and says, "Robot chauffeurs, here we come!"  Eventually at a stoplight in downtown Duluth someone knocks him out and drops him in the back seat and we just ignore him and one of us drives the bus back to the game.  Of course we are now 3 hours away, having started only 30 minutes away.  None of the other passengers will give me my money back and they want all of Bernie's robot money as well.

So, as hard as it is to stomach, I will take the Hillary bus.  The Trump bus actually might be less painful and there is a small chance he will get us closer to the game, but we could all die.  The Bernie bus would just be a bizarre experience and I don't really want to give away 85% of my money. In a way, I would feel better about choosing Cruz as a driver because at least he is competent and I would be driven by someone intelligent and willing to work effectively toward his goal. But I really don't want to be driven to Hell, even if it is effectively and efficiently.  Sorry, Ted, you finish last.

1) Hillary
2) (tie) Bernie and Trump
4) Cruz.


Al Swearengen said...

That's one of the funniest things I've read in a long, long time.

Franlawguy said...

This. Is. Awesone!

jd said...

Love this.